The Orioles and the Finches are my favorites. The orange blaze of the Orioles, the fiery yellows and reds the Finches flash absolutely thrill me when I see them whizzing across the spring-green lawn. The Finches — dozens of them — come for Niger thistle seed. The Orioles (I’ve counted six cocks this year.) flock in for fruit and sugar: they love sliced fresh oranges and (Of all things!) grape jelly. Landlady buys big, economy-sized jars of the cheapest grape jelly she can find. She puts the jelly in a pie tin and sets it out atop the clothes-line pole, and the Orioles just go nuts for it. They slurp down quarts of the stuff every week. All of them have purple beaks.
I told Landlady the other day she should put instant coffee crystals in the jelly. The Orioles are so buzzed on sugar already that the addition of caffeine to their diet might cause spontaneous Oriole combustion. It would be kinda neat to see one of those bright orange boogers go screeching across the lawn and explode KABOOM! in midair. It’d be a holenuther take on the Roman candle. Maybe we could win the $100,000 prize (or whatever they pay) for the wildest home videos on that TV show Landlady likes to watch.
She says “Not.” So we’re still broke and always will be, I guess.
Landlady has a special syrup feeder just for Hummingbirds. Thing about that is, the syrup draws bees, too. And Hummingbirds are such wee creatures that bee-sting can kill them. The Hummers know it: they’re afraid of bees. Still, baby Hummers must be fed. So it’s always a show to watch Mr. & Mrs. Hummer battle the bees for their sweets. And if Mrs. Hummer, by herself, gets into a brawl with more bees than she can handle, her tiny mate will come rocketing into the scrum and draw the bees away from her. It’s a fine, brave, thrilling thing to watch little Mr. Hummer risk death to save his true love, and it happens here at least once a week during summer.
I’ve been to air shows. I’ve seen top-gun fighter jocks do awesome tricks with planes, and every one of those tricks has a descriptive name: the barrel roll, the loop, the falling leaf, and other such. Now I’m here to tell you that when hot-shot Hummers and bad-ass bees get into an aerial dogfight, they do all those fighter-jock tricks and then some. They do jaw-dropping, clock-stopping things for which there are no descriptive names, partly because those things defy description and partly because some of them happen too fast for the eye to follow.
Woodpeckers, Nuthatches and Starlings all go for suet. The manufacturers sell suet filled with bugs & worms, or seeds, or bits of fruit. Landlady puts out two or three blocks of the stuff at least twice a week. The rest of the birds seem happy with black-oil sunflower seed, and Landlady feeds about 50 lbs. of the sunflower seed every month.
I don’t know what other people feed birds, but our birds don’t seem to like that “wild-bird mix” of seeds that many stores sell. If Landlady buys that stuff, our birds pick the sunflower seeds out of the mix and leave the rest. The millet (and whatever else is in there) sits in the feeders for months (if we allow it) while our birds go looking (I suppose) for sunflower seed in other people’s yards. They don’t have to look far; most everyone in our town feeds them.
Orioles are spectacular, as I’ve already mentioned. Robins and Jays and Starlings and Blackbirds and Grackles are pretty but, on the whole, our bigger birds seem less showy than our small ones. And if the violence of the Hummers and the Finches is occasionally comic, violence between the bigger birds often takes on a darker hue.
For example: I once saw a mated pair of Mourning Doves peck a third dove to death on the ground beneath the feeders. If the third bird was sick or injured or something, I do not know. I just know that the mated pair worried her viciously for about 45 minutes before one of them sent in a telling lick that either killed her outright or knocked her unconscious. She went down limp and never moved for the rest of the day. Dove cocks came by several times and violated the inert body. The poor thing was still there next morning, when I went out and picked it up and threw it in the trash.
Two cocks — one a Blue Jay and the other a Robin — once got into a short scrap I’d gleefully pay $20 to see again. The way it was, Mr. & Mrs. Blue Jay both got up on the wrong side of the nest. They were all over the feeders, bullying and harrying the smaller birds. In a matter of minutes they drove all the others away from the food.
Mr. Jay then perched on top of the clothesline pole like King Kong on the Empire State Building. He puffed himself up and screamed his primacy — but not for long.
Cock Robin was perched, watching, unseen, in the tippy-top of a 30-foot tree on the other side of the yard. He dropped off his perch like a stone and came howling down, gaining speed in a power dive. He hauled out of his dive within inches of the ground and, skimming across the grass, pulled up sharply and used all of his momentum to slam that big, solid, red breast of his right into Mr. Blue Jay’s soft, nougaty center. Splat!
I’d estimate that Cock Robin was doing all of 40 mph when he threw that body check. The big Jay never even saw it coming. The impact slammed Mr. Jay off the clothesline pole and three or four feet backward, where the Jay fell to earth on his neck and shoulders, pissy end up.
Mr. Robin stood quietly on the pole and watched while the Jay used about 30 seconds to regain his feet and put himself back into a shaky semblance of working order. Then the Jay and his spouse flew away, and we didn’t see them any more last year. They are back, now, but they are much better behaved.
We humans, when we encounter a stupid person, often label him or her “bird-brained.” I now believe the term is inaccurate because birds, I’ve found, are not stupid creatures. All of those who feed here know who feeds them and where to find her. When the feeders are empty, some go to the window ledge in front of Landlady’s desk and peck at the glass. I’ve seen a cock Oriole stand in the empty jelly tin, out on the clothesline pole, and pantomime slurping grape jelly. His head (with beak open) dipped down into the pan. His head then came up (beak closed), and he worked his jaws vigorously while he kept one beady eye focused on Landlady’s window. Sparrows fly up to the glass, bumping and fluttering against the pane until they draw some attention. Woodpeckers perch on the suet feeders and stare hopefully at the house. When Landlady goes out to the feeders, the birds perch on the eaves and watch what she does. When I go out to the feeders, the birds fly away until I go elsewhere.
Every year the eggs hatch. Every year the mated pairs bring the fledglings to the feeders and show them where and how to get their groceries. I sometimes get a kick imagining conversations that might take place if birds could talk like humans:
Ma Starling (perched on a tray of sunflower seed): “This here’s the grocery store and the diner, kids. This is where you go when yer hongry. The humans will always feed you.”
Johnny Starling: “Are you sure about that, Ma? Why would humans want to feed us all the time?”
Pa Starling: “Well, Johnny, it’s a funny thing and I can’t figger it out myse’f. Near’s I can tell, humans jus’ like to be abused. Every day we fly over here and crap all over everything. We steal most of their groceries and throw the rest on the ground. We call ‘em filthy names when they let the buffet run empty. We rattle their windows and kill the grass hereabouts and drive their cats plumb loco. What goes on b’tween birds and humans really don’t make no sense, but I try not to worry about it. The food here is the best I ever had, an’ it’s easy to git, so I just keep comin’ back. You will, too, if yer smart.”
Suzy Starling: “Gee, Pa! What will happen if the humans ever get wise and quit feeding us?”
Pa: “Why, we’ll have to go back to eatin’ like we allus et b’fore!”
Johnny: “How did we always eat before, Pa?”
Pa: “Uh — to tell the truth, son, it’s been so long since I et like we allus et b’fore that I fergot how we allus et b’fore. Great Grampa use’ ta tell about flyin’ out to a pasture and perchin’ on the back of a cow until the cow got inspired.
Johnny: “What’s ‘inspired,’ Pa?”
Pa: “That’s what happens to cows that git bored with life. They git frustrated ‘cuz they can’t think of anythin’ interestin’ to do. That’s when they git inspired.
“Anyways, Great Grampa allus said that after the cow got inspired, you could hop down off the cow an’ git a nice, hot lunch by pickin’ bits o’ grain out o’ the cow’s inspiration.”
Suzy: “Inspiration? What’s ‘inspiration’?”
Pa: “It’s what Great Grampa allus said.”
Ma: “Trust us, kids! Our way is better.”
I hope I never have to make a comparable adjustment.